Today was hard; I admit that I regressed to a childhood state. Not a childish state, but childhood, which is a different thing entirely. As I sat outside that clinic, tears streaming down my face, I had to do it: I called my mother. And “Mommy” was what I had to call her, because I was so scared that I was crying and shaking. So we talked, and she helped me through it (as it turns out, I still have to make ANOTHER appointment…in its own way, this is worse than waiting for the mental health people!) and I hit this weird realization about Scott and about the concept of fathers in general. As basic as it may seem, it had never really sunken in before: Daddies aren’t there to hurt their little girl; they’re there to protect and avenge their little girl. And Scott always has…and always will. That unconditional love I was always looking for? Yeah, I have it. Who cares if he’s only six years older than me and the whole “daughter” concept gets sorta weird? Fact is, he does love me, unconditionally, just like a Daddy should.
And I’m crying again. Such a small realization, but such an important one, for me, since I spent the first 30+ years of my life not quite GETTING what being a Daddy is all about.
I am feeling good about one thing, that’s for sure! I have requested time off on the 17th, because I have an intake appointment (FINALLY!) with a therapist who understands my financial issues (in other words, FREE). It usually takes months to get seen, and that’s what I was originally told it would take, but I kept digging until I found someone. My strength, my salvation. I could have just taken what they said at face value, but I was persistent, the way I always have been for other people. And two weeks, really, isn’t that long. It may even be just the right length of time–if it were a longer period, I might be tempted to pull the “ALL BETTER” scam I’ve pulled before. In two weeks, I will still be able to remember that I need work. And help.
When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin’ when I hold you
Don’t you know I feel the same
‘Cause nothin’ lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it’s hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We’ve been through this auch a long long time
Just tryin’ to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one’s really sure who’s lettin’ go today
Walking away
If we could take the time
to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin’ that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin’ don’t refrain
Or I’ll just end up walkin’
In the cold November rain
Do you need some time…on your own
Do you need some time…all alone
Everybody needs some time…
on their own
Don’t you know you need some time…all alone
I know it’s hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn’t time be out to charm you
Sometimes I need some time…on my
own
Sometimes I need some time…all alone
Everybody needs some time…
on their own
Don’t you know you need some time…all alone
And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there’s no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
‘Cause nothin’ lasts forever
Even cold November rain
Don’t ya think that you need somebody
Don’t ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You’re not the only one
You’re not the only one
Wounded angel
She came to me
Her broken heart
In agony
Seeking answers
She cried to me in vain
Hopelessness
Filled my eyes with pain
Tears of fire
From a heart so cold
Tears of fire
Feel my passion flow
Tears of fire
Burn into my soul
I could never let you go
I couldn’t help myself
Forgive me if you can
It really wasn’t me
I hope you understand
Too many memories
To throw it all away
I’d never leave you anyway
Tears of fire
From a heart so cold
Tears of fire
Feel my passion flow
Tears of fire
Burn into my soul
I could never let you go
Tears of fire
From a heart so cold
Tears of fire
Feel my passion flow
Tears of fire
Burn into my soul
I could never let you go
Tears of fire
From a heart so cold
Tears of fire
Feel my passion flow
Tears of fire
Burn into my soul
I could never let you go
Your head on my shoulder
Seems like a crime
Why are we so drawn to each other
When we know it’s not right?
We should know better
But our love is blind
But we can’t let go
And it hurts me so
To know deep inside
We’re bad for each other
It’s sad but it’s true
We’re bad for each other
So why’s it have to feel so good
When I’m lying next to you?
You know how to hurt me
I know where you’re weak
We take advantage
When we let our anger speak
You start a fire
In this heart of mine
And all of my good sense
Disappears again
When I look in your eyes
We’re bad for each other
It’s sad but it’s true
We’re bad for each other
So why’s it have to feel so good
When I’m lying next to you?
So many times
I wished I could break these chains
But the feeling inside me
Just gets in the way
We’re bad for each other
It’s sad but it’s true
And all of my good sense disappears again
When I look in your eyes
We’re bad for each other
It’s sad but it’s true
We’re bad for each other
So why’s it have to feel so good
(why do we have to be so)
We’re bad for each other
It’s sad but it’s true
We’re bad for each other
So why’s it have to feel so good
When I’m lying next to you?
It’s a little past supper time
I’m still out on the porch steps sittin’ on my behind,
Waiting for you.
Wondrin’ if everything’s alright,
Momma said,”Come in boy, don’t waste your time,”
I said,”I’ve got time. Well he’ll be here soon.”
Five years old and talkin’ to myself.
Where were you? Where’d ya go? Daddy can’t you tell?
I’m not tryin’ to fake it, and I ain’t the one to blame.
No, there’s no one home in my house of pain.
I didn’t write these pages and my script’s been re-arranged.
No, there’s no one home in my house of pain.
Wasn’t I worth the time?
A boy needs a daddy like a dance to mime and all the time,
I looked up to you.
I paced my room a million times.
And all I ever got was one big line, the same old lie.
How could you?
Well I was eighteen years and still talkin’ to myself.
Where were you? Where’d ya go? Daddy can’t ya tell?
Well if i’ve learned anything from this, shh, it’s how to grow up
on my own.
THE YEAR OF LIVING BIBLICALLY (A.J. Jacobs), p. 275
There’s a beauty to forgiveness, especially forgiveness that goes beyond rationality. Unconditional love is an illogical notion, but such a great and powerful one.
Funny how you can find truth in the strangest of places.
I made it through yesterday without ANY crying at all. None. Nada. This is a good sign, I think.
I did have a panic attack while waiting for Valerie, as I mentioned earlier, but it didn’t lead to tears. While I was in the office with her, of course, I had to force myself to ground, to make myself be totally there in the present. I frequently caught myself pulling away, and I mentioned it each time, as well as bringing myself back into the now.
I said something to Kevin yesterday that I think I need to remember: “There is no past, there is no future. All we have is the present.” Yes, I’ve had a fucked up past, one that has affected me greatly, but I can’t go back and change what happened, or my role in making it happen. I can’t predict what I will do in the future. All I know is what I am consciously choosing to do IN THE MOMENT that I do it.
Of course, that also implies making sure that I AM conscious in the moment. That may be the hardest part of all. In fact, when Valerie was asking me if I wanted to take a meditation class, I had to laugh–the whole point of this is NOT to get “outside” of my body anymore, but to be fully conscious at all times; seems like meditation would be counterproductive!
As the people here grow colder
I turn to my computer
And spend my evenings with it
Like a friend.
I was loading a new programme
I had ordered from a magazine:
“Are you lonely, are you lost?
This voice console is a must.”
I press Execute.
“Hello, I know that you’ve been feeling tired.
I bring you love and deeper understanding.
Hello, I know that you’re unhappy.
I bring you love and deeper understanding.”
Well I’ve never felt such pleasure.
Nothing else seemed to matter.
I neglected my bodily needs.
I did not eat, I did not sleep,
The intensity increasing,
‘Til my family found me and intervened.
But I was lonely, I was lost,
Without my little black box.
I pick up the phone and go, Execute.
“Hello, I know that you’ve been feeling tired.
I bring you love and deeper understanding.
Hello, I know that you’re unhappy.
I bring you love and deeper understanding.”
I turn to my computer like a friend.
I need deeper understanding.
Give me deeper understanding.
It’s funny how the telephone is both the instrument of my greatest despairs and my greatest joys. Simple, short conversations in the past few days have begun to restore my equilibrium, releasing a fear that was new with all of the changes I’m going through.
I met with Valerie today, and unfortunately had a panic attack while I was in the lobby. She reviewed Anna’s ideas, made a few suggestions, and also gave me a lead on yet another possibility for free counseling (which I shall call on Monday). Anyway, here’s my schedule:
July 12 8:30-4:30 Tools for Positive Living
July 15 6:00-7:30 Developing Boundaries
July 19 10:00-12:00 Abuse: Beyond Perseverance
July 19 12:00-1:00 Re-assessment meeting with Valerie
August 21 6:00-7:45 Stop Any Assault before it Happens (this one is actually my idea, not something Anna or Valerie suggested, although Valerie thinks it’s a great idea, since it is about the psychological aspects of self-defense.)
She still wants me to take the Creating Healthy Family Relationships series, Improving the Way You Solve Problems in Relationships, and the Sustaining Healthy Relationships 8-week course, but since they aren’t currently offered, it’s basically “as soon as they are.”
So, there it is. A couple of weeks more of self-directed discovery, an intensive week followed by re-assessment, and hopefully counseling starting up about two weeks after THAT. Forward motion.