Amazing.

I made it through yesterday without ANY crying at all. None. Nada. This is a good sign, I think.

I did have a panic attack while waiting for Valerie, as I mentioned earlier, but it didn’t lead to tears. While I was in the office with her, of course, I had to force myself to ground, to make myself be totally there in the present. I frequently caught myself pulling away, and I mentioned it each time, as well as bringing myself back into the now.

I said something to Kevin yesterday that I think I need to remember: “There is no past, there is no future. All we have is the present.” Yes, I’ve had a fucked up past, one that has affected me greatly, but I can’t go back and change what happened, or my role in making it happen. I can’t predict what I will do in the future. All I know is what I am consciously choosing to do IN THE MOMENT that I do it.

Of course, that also implies making sure that I AM conscious in the moment. That may be the hardest part of all. In fact, when Valerie was asking me if I wanted to take a meditation class, I had to laugh–the whole point of this is NOT to get “outside” of my body anymore, but to be fully conscious at all times; seems like meditation would be counterproductive!