An action step was taken today; although it will be 6 months or so before I can get in to individual counseling (although I do have a friend who is investigating what they can do for me with THEIR connections, I don’t hold a ton of hope on THAT front), the person I spoke with today said it sounds as if I qualify for appointments with what they call “crisis counselors.” I had to laugh, because how can it be a crisis when these things happened years ago? Shouldn’t “crisis” be reserved for someone who is in the thick of it and still able to actually BE helped?

The woman I spoke with was very kind, though. She pointed out that none of it is truly my fault; I didn’t even KNOW how very common the one behavior that confused me most is (remaining friends or even being intimate later with someone who has assaulted you.) She also agreed that the roots of all of this do run deep, twenty-five years deep.

I’m crying again. Every day, I say, “Maybe THIS will be the day that I don’t cry.” It hasn’t happened yet, though. I mean, it’s one thing to cry when I’m going through my exercises. It’s fully another to just randomly burst into tears all day long, as I have done for the past two weeks. This doesn’t FEEL like depression, either, which is the weirdest part.

Enough moaning about myself; George Carlin died yesterday, which sucks majorly. And, hey, it just occurred to me that bill collectors could really get an improved contact rate tonight, considering how many folks may be waiting to see if they get called for the WWE contest. LOL

Ah well, time to hit the books; my eyes already feel as if they’re bleeding.

So much pain has gone down over the past few weeks. I hate hurting like this, but I do know that it is something that I have to go through, and I can’t rely on anyone else to “fix” me. I never could, really. It hurts that I have come to realize that Roger only wanted me when I was fucked up; I’m angry that I wasted 10 years of my life that could have been spent in healing.

Hell, I’m angry about so many things right now. It’s a hard time for anyone who cares about me; I’m self-centered and needy right now, going through what they call “the emergency stage.” I’m making progress, but I do have to focus on the progress and on the process, not on anyone else’s needs. And that is hard for me; I have always been so much better at taking care of others than I have of myself.

I cried, so hard, talking to my mom today. I had to ask her to forgive me, not for what happened, but because I took away HER power in not believing in her to be able to protect me from Jim. I couldn’t trust her to protect me. And thus was set into motion a chain of events–innocence that I don’t really believe I ever had was stolen, and I want that BACK. I want to feel clean and pure, but it’s so much easier to just wallow in the pain and blame and shame.

That’s self-defeating, of course. I am taking a very hard road; I can’t deny that. But it will be worth it, because I am.

Wow.

So I just accidentally had “Love’s Chance” come up in my iTunes shuffle, and it reminded me. It reminded me how American Anthem were the first band I got kinda close to, and how special that made me feel, even though it all ended so badly (do these things EVER end well?). So very Cheap Trick they sounded; and they weren’t bad, but my GOD, did I think they were the most fabulous thing EVER!

*sigh* Back in the day….back when I believed in all the rock and roll fairytales that just might come true.

So I’ve just mainly hid out in bed all day, obviously. I did do a lot of reading, the supplemental material in Courage to Heal, as well as the “current” chapters. Lots of meat in the supplemental chapters, but I wonder if I’m trying to keep myself from the writing exercise. I know it is pointless to think I’ll be “healed” once I’ve done all the exercises, but I guess the structure of doing them makes me feel as if I’m an active participant in my healing, instead of just trying to live, each day, with what has happened.

I don’t know; I should. Yet, for some reason, I think I’ll wind up distracted. And right now, I’m too tired and vulnerable to force myself to be “in the moment” if that distraction occurs.

I’m not really too sure ’bout this conversation
There’s been a lot of talk but nothing said
And don’t you understand my French
What do I have to do to make a reservation
Just to talk to you and explain
That all you ever do is complain

I got no, I got no room for emotion, yeah
It’s like a cloud drippin radiation right on my head
I got no, I got no room for emotion

Now I’m tryin to make the best out of a bad situation
You take my heart, flush it down the drain
I’m easy baby, it’s such a shame
Now I’ve had it up to here with all your aggravation
That you put on me, such a crime
Baby, you’re just wastin my time

The ice is thin come on dive in
underneath my lucid skin.
The cold is lost, forgotten.

Hours pass days pass time stands still
light gets dark and darkness fills
my secret heart forbidden…

I think you worried for me then
the subtler ways that I’d give in
but I know you liked the show.

Tied down to this bed of shame
you tried to move around the pain
but oh your soul is anchored.

The only comfort is
the moving of the river.
You enter into me
a lie upon your lips.
Offer what you can
I’ll take all that I can get
only a fool’s here…

I dont like your tragic sighs
as if your god has passed you by
well hey fool that’s your deception.

Your angels speak with jilted tongue
the serpent’s tale has come undone
you have no strength to squander.

The only comfort is
the moving of the river.
You enter into me
a lie upon your lips.
Offer what you can
I’ll take all that I can get
only a fool’s here to stay.

Only a fool’s here to stay.

Only a fool’s here…

Ok, why am I having a fucking panic attack about just going to get a pop? Seriously!

Gilby made me sad a few minutes ago; I had allowed him into my room while I bathed, and he was sniffing around (looking for someone, I’m pretty sure), then settled into a puddle of cute on the floor. Figured I was good leaving him in there while I bathed….and as soon as I came out of the bathroom, he looked at me, tucked his tail and slunk out of the room.

That hurts, not being able to be loving towards him right now! It’s just that I can’t bear to have him in here with me. It just makes me cry; then again, knowing he can’t “get it” is also making me cry. I can’t win–poor dog just reflects the moods around him, I know that.

I’m tired, and lack any ounce of motivation. So here’s the plan: I will take a long bath (I haven’t been doing that so much, just quickly showering), go get a pop and perhaps some dinner (doubtful), then curl up in here and do my chapters. Maybe I’ll make some forward motion on my banko, maybe I’ll just sit in chat letting everyone tell me how fabulous I am, maybe I’ll work on my old laptop.

Happy fuckin’ birthday.

No one likes looking at you
Your lack of ego offends male mentality
They need your innocence
To steal vacant love and to destroy
Your beauty and virginity used like toys

My mind is dead, everybody loves me
Wants a slice of me
Hopelessly passive and compatible
Need to belong, oh the roads are scarey
So hold me in your arms
I wanna be your only possession

Used, used, used by men

All they leave behind is money
Paper made out of broken twisted trees
Your pretty face offends
Because it’s something real that I can’t touch
Eyes, skin, bone, contour, language as a flower

No god reached me, faded films and loving books
Black and white TV
All the world does not exist for me
And if I’m starving, you can feed me lollipops
Your diet will crush me
My life just an old man’s memory

Little baby nothing
Loveless slavery, lips kissing empty
Dress your life in loathing
Breaking your mind with Barbie Doll futility

Little baby nothing
Sexually free, made-up to breakup
Assassinated beauty
Moths broken up, quenched at last
The vermin allowed a thought to pass them by

You are pure, you are snow
We are the useless sluts that they mould
Rock ‘n’ roll is our epiphany
Culture, alienation, boredom and despair

You are pure, you are snow
We are the useless sluts that they mould
Rock ‘n’ roll is our epiphany
Culture, alienation, boredom and despair

Well when you go
Don’t ever think I’ll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back
I’ll be off to find another way

When after all this time that you still owe
You’re still, the good-for-nothing I don’t know
So take your gloves and get out
Better get out
While you can

When you go
Would you even turn to say
“I don’t love you
Like I did
Yesterday”

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you
Down and out
It’s where you oughta stay

And after all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar’s just another blow

So fix your eyes and get up
Better get up
While you can
Whoa, whooa

When you go
Would you even turn to say
“I don’t love you
Like I did
Yesterday”

Well come on, come on

When you go
Would you have the guts to say
“I don’t love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday”

I don’t love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday

I don’t love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday