It’s interesting to realize that by the end of the week, at the latest, I will be able to refer to myself as an “ex-smoker”. Honestly, I’m READY to quit right now, but I do not want to have wasted the money that I spent on these last two packs. I know, I know. But it is what it is. I do know that I won’t be buying any more. And that is a huge start, in and of itself.

I wish I understood why I’ve been putting off my writing exercises, and I think I finally figured it out. It’s almost as if once I’ve done all the work tasks that I have set for myself, what THEN? Realistically, I do know there will always be other things on which to focus (let’s not even discuss how much clearing I have to do–I will always be grateful to Virginia for having taught me that.) There are always more projects, more to do.

But I also have to learn to be still. I’m not frantically filling myself with busy-ness the way I always have in the past. I’m not STUCK right now. Hell, truth be told, I wish that I did not have to work today, because I could use one of those infamous “mental health days” that have so rarely worked out the way I wanted them to. Just, right now, I’ve got that itch to accomplish, but I know that if I don’t sleep some more, today will be a total waste at work. And while I hate that job, I also hate NOT having a job much more.

15 more working days. That’s not so many, right? Of course, it is entirely possible that on the day I give notice, they may say not to come in any more. I’m prepared for that possibility; one of my friends counseled me that I should take that final day off, no matter what, but at the same time, the financial impact of just one day isn’t something that I can take lightly. So here’s where my bread gets cast upon the waters–If I’m told not to return, I get to enjoy the full weekend. If I am expected to work, then I work. No harm, no foul.

I’m trying so hard not to allow myself to get distracted by helping others. Right now, my energies have to be focused on myself, but there are so many people that I feel like could be helped if they would just apply some of the lessons that I’ve been learning. At the same time, just as they couldn’t “force” me to get better, I can’t do that to them, either.

It’s a rough road, and a long ride. Yet I see the end destination and it’s empowering.