Today’s playlist, played on shuffle:
B-52s - Housework
Blondie - Rip Her to Shreds
Bob Seger - 2+2=?
Bonnie Tyler - It’s a Heartache
Brides of Destruction - Life
Chelsea Smiles - Pirate Love
Chelsea Smiles - Pillbox
Cramps - Garbageman
Cramps - New Kind of Kick
Custom Made Scare - Sick, Sober, and Sorry
Dave Edmunds - Slippin’ Away
Dead Boys - Ain’t It Fun?
Dragbeat - Tattooed Love Boys
Dwarves - Salt Lake City
Emmylou Harris - If I Could Only Win Your Love
Emmylou Harris - Boulder to Birmingham
Goldie & the Gingerbreads - Walking in Different Circles
Guns n Roses - November Rain
James McMurtry - We Can’t Make It Here
Jeannie C Riley - The Girl Most Likely
Jeannie C Riley - Back Side of Dallas
Jerry Lee Lewis - Middle Age Crazy
Jesse Dayton - Loretta
Johnny Russell - Rednecks, White Socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer
Johnny Russell - You’ll Be Back
Joneses - Crocodile Rock
Joneses - Black Cat Bone
Junkyard - Hands Off
Kirsty MacColl - There’s a Guy Works Down the Chip Shop
LA Guns - One Way Ticket
London - Hot Child in the City
Lords of the New Church - Like a Virgin
Love Me Nots - Heart on a Chain
Loveless - Return of the X-Girlfriend
Merle Haggard - Red Bandana
Nashville Pussy - Lazy White Boy
New York Dolls - Dance Like a Monkey
OC Smith - Son of Hickory Holler’s Tramp
Pink - Don’t Let Me Get Me
Pink - Just Like a Pill
Professionals - Join the Professionals
Quireboys - I Don’t Love You Any More
Ray Wylie Hubbard - Up Against the Wall, Redneck Mothers
Redd Kross - Look on Up at the Bottom
Richie Sambora - Made in America
Richie Sambora - Hard Times Come Easy
Rick Springfield - Don’t Talk to Strangers
Road Kings - Boystown
Roger Miller - Dang Me
Shark Frenzy - Crashing Kites
Shel Silverstein - A Front Row Seat to Hear Ole Johnny Sing
Siouxsie & the Banshees - Dear Prudence
Siouxsie & the Banshees - Face to Face
Siouxsie & the Banshees - You’re Lost Little Girl
Sixx AM - Life Is Beautiful
Sugarloaf - Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You
Tanya Tucker - Texas (When I Die)
Toni Basil - I’m 28
Carrie Nations - Find It
Wanda Jackson - Mean Mean Man
Wanda Jackson - Did You Miss Me
Waylon Jennings - Ladies Love Outlaws
Waylon Jennings - Lonesome Orn’ry and Mean
American Anthem - You Can’t Put Your Arms Around a Memory
Youth Brigade - Sink with California

Weird how so many of the songs that are making me feel better these days are songs of love lost, since I’m not really in a romance headspace these days. I don’t know, I’ve always loved songs of heartbreak and resolution; besides, it’s not as if that isn’t a huge part of what music is, anyway! It’s either gooey, sappy “I’m so glad we’re together” or tragic, pained “How did this end?” stuff…especially when you love ballads and such as much as I do.

But right now, it’s not that the lyrics are necessarily hitting me, it’s just that these are the songs I like; part of why I try to post the videos is so that people who might not be familiar with these songs (Hi, Mom!) can hear how uplifting some of them actually are!

Yes, I am taking a break, earlier than anticipated. I’m kind of itching to go down to RockZone in a few minutes to see if they have that one Bob Seger CD that I have all of a sudden decided that I desperately need (goddamn Dave Marsh, anyway!) It’s irritating, in a way, since I respect Seger’s choice not to make his music available for download, but right now, I REALLLLLLY wanna hear that album (which I can honestly say I haven’t listened to all the way through in at LEAST 25 years).

Instant total gratification

I think next weekend I am going to make a point of going down to Waymore’s grave again. I need a little bit of touching my roots, I think. Besides, I want a better picture of me there, although I would need to drag someone along if I were gonna try to get that. At the very least, some better pics of the stone itself seem necessary.

I know I shouldn’t but I want you so bad
I know it couldn’t be but I want what we had
I know our love is gone and I can’t bring it back
Still I long for your kiss
Still I long for your kiss
I know it’s over cause you told me so
I tried to leave but I can’t let you go
I can’t believe you don’t want me no more
Still I long for your kiss
Still I long for your kiss
The days go by but they don’t seem the same
I cry and cry and I call out your name
I go downtown I see your face
Nobody around can take your place
But you put me down
But you turned me away
Still I long for your kiss
Still I long for your kiss

SOLO

The days go by but they don’t seem the same
I cry and cry and I call out your name
I go downtown I see your face
Nobody around can take your place
But you put me down

But you turned me away
Still I long for your kiss
Still I long for your kiss

How long will it take you to realize that life has made you become afraid of who you are? Yea…
All alone but in your mind I bet you’re wishing that you could erase time
C’mon let go of yesterday…yea

So close your eyes and say goodbye
Cause no one gets out of here alive

Stop Dreamin’
You’re Stealin’
Everything that I believe in
You’d lose it all to have your way

And I’ll always remember how you broke down last December
You sold me out and then you cried…..and now
It doesnt matter that you wont change for anyone
Cause this time you’re on your own.

Stop Dreamin’
You’re Stealin’
Everything that I believe in
You’d lose it all to have your way- and now you’ve lost the game

So close your eyes and say goodbye
Cause no one gets out…

I’m Screaming
You’re sleeping in a world of Make Believe
I’m going back to reality….

Stop Dreamin’
You’re Stealin’
Everything that I believe in
You’d lose it all to have your way- and now you’ve lost the game.

TAG:
(Stop Dreamin’ / You’re Stealin’/ Everything that I believe in)
Now you’ve lost the game
(I’m going back to reality)
Now you’ve lost the game

Two kinds of people in this world
Winners… losers
I lost my power in this world
Cause I did not use it
So I go insane
Like I always do
And I call your name
Shes a lot like you

Two kinds of trouble in this world
Living… dying
I lost my power in this world
And the rumors are flying
So I go insane
Like I always do
And I call your name
Shes a lot like you

So I go insane
Like I always do
And I call your name
Shes a lot like you
Shes a lot like you
Shes a lot like you
Shes a lot like you…

Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.

–Henry Ford

So today, it’s all about getting stuff done. I’m a little late “off the block”, but I’m ok with that. I’ll check back in after the bathroom, car, and closet are done! If I can, of course, get motivated enough to get OFF the damn computer! It WOULD help if my tummy weren’t upset, honestly.

Anyway, into a bathtub, then find some grotty clothes that I don’t care if I get jacked up, since I don’t wanna mess up my First Avenue shirt! (Then again, Kelly has an 11 am show time, so maybe I should just wait till after I’m done cleaning to bathe, since it’s not nice for me to use up all the hot water.)

Sunday, Jul 27th, 2008 — Once upon a time you had big plans for yourself. Maybe you were going to take a long journey to a distant land. But then the reality of your day-to-day life prevented you from fulfilling this dream. Don’t let this happen again. Although you might not be able to leave on your great adventure today, setting a plan in motion takes time. It’s a mistake to think you can’t do it just because you didn’t pull it off last time.

It was a day of collapsement yesterday. I didn’t get a darned thing accomplished, not even any sort of recreation. I pretty much …slept. And ate…and slept. No reading, no writing, no hanging out. VERY unlike me. I guess my body needed it, though.

I need today to be productive, though. I’m disappointed in myself for yesterday having vanished the way that it did. So here’s an agenda, of sorts:
10-1: Cleaning
1-3: Errands
3-5: PTSD Workbook
5-7: GTD
7-whenever: relax, chat, phone, just chill

Tomorrow, of course, I have a ton of phone calls to make, plus whatever turns up GTD-wise. I’m having to flip-flop my body clock again for a couple of weeks, which won’t be easy, but it is what it is. I can do anyting for the amount of time that it has to be done, that’s what I know. And if I can somehow managed BOTH, then more power to me. It will just put me that much farther ahead.

Saturday, Jul 26th, 2008 — You can tell something has changed now that Mercury is in your 3rd House of Communication. Your energy has returned and you are up for a variety of activities that could mix chores with a bit of summer sun. Above all, you need movement in your life now, so don’t just talk about it; get out and do something that’s physical and fun.

This makes sense, now that the albatross of RRH is off my back. I’m done with that one; one more workbook and then….on to the living of life! I got upset while doing the RRH stuff, but I think it’s because, frankly, I had already revisited the events enough and reframed them. I don’t need to keep dredging the river, looking for bodies. I know where the bodies are and what I should learn from them. Now they truly can rest in peace. Hell, if I wanna extend THAT metaphor, I can think of them as fertilizer that will further my growth as a human being.

Ok, maybe that’s going a little far along the path of grotesque. But it is a fair analogy! When the work of recovery becomes less about getting to the good spots, and more about picking at the scabs, then it’s time to shift gears. And that is what I’m doing.

Tonight will be a tough one, but I think it will be good for me. I’m ready to do this, as much as it might hurt. Hell, in many ways, I’ve been doing it for a while. I’m ready for all of this to be over and done with, and I know it has to be done this way, and as much as I hate it, I will be the stronger for it. Hell, I already am, even without doing this, but that doesn’t negate the need to “git ‘er done”.

I really do hope that when I call Julie on Monday, she is able to get me in sooner, rather than later. I’m TIRED of waiting for my life to begin! And while I am seriously considering keeping the temp job for as long as I can after I start at the call center, I need to make sure that I’m not just making myself busy so that I don’t THINK and FEEL. I will NOT run myself ragged. I refuse to do that, no matter how rewarding it might seem.

I could procrastinate this tonight, by focusing on externals instead of internals, telling myself that I’ll be more comfortable and more receptive to what I can learn if the externals are perfect, but we all know me well enough to know that’s an avoidance tactic. And I deserve better than avoidance. I deserve the exact same unconditional love that I have given so freely to others–and I deserve it from MYSELF.

UGH. I just realized that if I continue at the temp gig, I won’t be able to attend the self-defense class. Admittedly, I’m sorta “over” the Women’s Center classes, but that one….I still held out a lot of hope for. Hm. This is something that I will need to consider very carefully. (Again, presuming that doing both jobs winds up working for me, which it may well not.)

Alright, once more into the breach. To the tub, then a spot of dinner, then…..ugh.

Crisis somewhat averted.

So, of course, I drove home and managed not to cry until I got into the house. Then I let loose for about half an hour or so. Then I picked up the phone and called the temp agency and proceeded to apply for about thirty or so jobs. I start the temp job Monday night. $9 an hour is a freakin’ joke, but it’s a job and will keep me together until I start at the call center. Like I said earlier, it’s not falling down that’s bad–it’s STAYING down.

I refuse to stay down. I’m like one of those obnoxious clown-shaped Bop Bags that just keeps bouncing back. Doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally tip over, of course. But that’s part of being human, I suppose.

So this weekend’s plans are only SLIGHTLY changed, I suppose. Mom really wants me to focus on getting organized, and she’s right. Internal and external reflections, after all. Monday morning, however, I shall be required to be busy with phone calls and whatever else.