Left work early today due to a migraine induced by the glue they used while changing out the carpet last night. Got some rest, and am feeling a little bit better, but still not “tip-top”. Still, if I am actually productive (even for a couple of hours), I know that will help me feel even BETTER.

I don’t know whether I will be giving up my day off to make up the time from today, or whether I will be adding it on Friday and Saturday (my preferred method). I can’t discuss it with Monique until tomorrow, as she, TOO, left early, feeling like crap.

Someone, PLEASE explain to me why ICE CASTLES is on SOAP.net. Not that I am complaining….except for the part where I missed the French gal’s freakout! This is such a horrid movie; even the skating doesn’t hold up now, nearly 30 years later, when a triple axel is taken for granted….

I did have to laugh at getting to say hello to Rontrose, though. He’s such a sweetie!

Well, after yesterday’s pity party, today definitely looked on up at the bottom!

First, and perhaps most important–I get to stay on Monique’s team! I know that sounds lame as all fuck, but I was NOT looking forward to having to break in a new supervisor (I’m an acquired taste, ok?) HOWEVER, my days off are the exact opposite of the ENTIRE rest of the team. Which leads to “cool thing two”–I was talking to her about that, and how it’s not necessarily the greatest scenario, and she looked at me and goes, “Yeah, but out of everyone else on the team, I’m NOT worried about you working by yourself for the most part–you’ll do just fine without the team right there with ya.” Higher praise than it might seem, but it actually DOES mean a lot. Not to mention that she was jokingly telling me today, when she was being hassled by one of my current teammates, “Marie, you go answer his question.” Yeah, I think I’ve earned her respect by now

I’ve also earned Bret’s, and that was a MUCH scarier thing. I was late getting back from my break today because he stopped me in the hallway to tell me how impressed he was with a save I had done today. Oddly, it was a save that I was afraid would wind up in my rejected queue, but it didn’t. Bret, like me, is all about “doing the right thing” and providing SERVICE, so that’s a good fit, too. He always stresses that he was never “the top” at anything, but he’s always been persistent and consistent, which has served him well. Then, of course, ya gotta figure that my ups and downs are wildly inconsistent–I’m either “fuckin’ awesome” or “Oh shit”. There IS no middle ground in my performance. Thankfully, it all averages out.

On the personal front, things are going very well, also. Life is beginning to fall together in bits and pieces, and just because I’ve “been so down, it feels like up to me” doesn’t mean I’m NOT moving forward. I’m quite at peace right now; this is a good thing. A very good thing.

Well, all has been unwrapped (with the exception of things that have not yet been received, DUH). From my mom, I got a black tshirt, two black dresses, a white tshirt that’s sorta customized, my turntable (!), and a really sweet little writing set to remind me of who I am (as if I can forget? Still, it choked me up just a little). From a dear friend, I got (so far) a GORGEOUS Warholesque bag (I don’t wanna call it a purse, but it isn’t quite a bookbag…it’s in the area in-between). From my roommate and her kids, some lavender candles, a dark purple votive holder for the bathroom (more likely to be used as a toothbrush cup, honestly), and a really groovy “charging station” for my phones, etc. Just a nice kinda organizing thing, ya know?

Still, it’s not about the stuff. The only reason I’m posting this is so that I can remember, later.

I’m surprised I’m awake this early, considering that I was celebrating Lemmy’s Birthday in the traditional style last night. Could be interesting when I go in to work today, seeing as when I left on Monday, IEX still showed me as being off today. Thus, I need to go in a wee bit early to confirm….and if they say for sure NOT to work, well, then, I won’t pitch a fit about not getting double time. Just as, if they say work, I won’t pitch a fit ABOUT getting double time. Heh. I am not tired, although my neck is stiff, and I *am* pleasantly surprised that the kids aren’t up yet. I guess I’ll go back to sleep for another hour or two–then get up for the traditional stuff (meh) and do a little picking up in here.

An off-the-cuff comment to Crystal last night led to me offering her something that she considers the grooviest Christmas present I could give her–I told her that she can go out on New Year’s Eve. I know that sounds cheesy, but she hasn’t been able to work it out with her babysitter to keep the kids on any given nights, so I told her that I don’t generally go out on New Year’s Eve, and am MORE than happy to let her go have a “grown up night” as long as the kids are fed before she rolls out…and SHE said she’ll even make sure they’re in bed prior to that. So, gee, I basically don’t have to DO anything? I just have to BE here? That TOTALLY works for me.

I wound up not going to Midnight Mass last night, since a friend of mine pointed out that it’s pretty much the busiest Mass of the year, and I would, as a result, not be likely (particularly in a Hispanic community, such as the one in which I live) be able to just stroll up to the door at the last minute. So, instead, I fixed myself the traditional Lemmy’s Birthday celebration “adult beverage”, thus guaranteeing that I wouldn’t be driving.

Amusingly, we got paid today, instead of tomorrow. I kind of can’t complain about that–went ahead and paid my car insurance and will be paying Crystal January’s rent today. I just wish I didn’t have this huge mental question mark over my head about whether or not I really am supposed to work today.

I guess it’s kosher (!) to open up the package from my Mom now, huh?

*sigh* Last Christmas had some great stuff about it, but it was totally “Hero Takes a Fall” in hindsight. Ah well. This year is …much more typical, I fear.

That said, I’m dyeing my hair right now, and when I’ve got that all rinsed out, have to find the last of Crystal’s presents so that I can put it in her bag and attack a few of the items on my 101 Things list!

I’m surprisingly mellow, considering everything!

Yeah, I had a few minutes of self-pitying tears tonight. Doesn’t mean I’m going nuts again, just means that I’m hormonal and lonely. It’s actually healthy, when ya look at it that way.

Tomorrow is slated for HOUSEWORK and SCHOOLWORK. Then, in the evening, celebrate Lemmy’s birthday properly. I should be sleeping now. Guess I will.

Well, it appears that we shall be going to the floor later, rather than sooner, but there is the possibility that I will still be under Monique, so I am quite happy. This also impacts New Year’s Eve for me, as it now falls smack dab in the middle of a 3-day weekend, instead of being my “one day worked”. Which is fine, as I have no plans anyway, so a 3-day weekend will definitely provide some needed downtime between classes. So the person who was saying I don’t know how to take time off can just eat his words–HA!

I’ve procrastinated not just “long enough” but “far too long.” My final HAS to be emailed tonight (for HES 100). My Psych papers, well….one is past due and two are due tomorrow. This is the PRIMARY reason that I am NOT at REPO! tonight, obviously, although I AM going on Tuesday, after I finish up at Dr. Berry’s.  Basically, I’m in a sort of holding pattern right now–rather than overstressing myself, I shall get the current batch of papers completed tonight and tomorrow (and reward myself by going to see Gilby Clarke at Red Owl!) Sunday and Monday, I am focusing on the house. I don’t have “huge amounts” of cleaning to do, but a couple of hours here and there.

Tuesday, I have Dr. Berry in the morning, then REPO!, then I shall do any last-minute Christmas shopping (basically, mailing stuff to my Mom and to my phone company, getting something for the kids, and packaging up some things I have for Crystal.) When I get home, knock out the rest of my Psych papers and hope that my due date changes got processed, because if they did, then I have bought myself a few extra days. Wednesday, Christmas Eve, I MAY be on “tech support detail”, but I certainly have an afternoon appointment to meet up with the guy who is going to see about fixing my car. Ugh. I don’t even really want to THINK about that.

Thursday, Christmas Day, I work, of course. It’ll just be the start to a “regular week”, but then it’s followed by a three-day weekend (which includes New Year’s), so that will be nice–to have nothing really “hanging over” me when those three days come.

So, right now, I am going downstairs for a cigarette, cook something, and then up here to finish my HES final. I did learn something this term, though–I can take a class on an accelerated schedule with NO problems, but I am NOT good at taking multiple classes simultaneously. Therefore, my plan of attack is now to take one class at a time, but to take them quickly. ABNORMAL PSYCH is next on the bill.

Thinking about my pending bankruptcy, I suppose it is time for a budget. I don’t make a lot of money, but my expenses really are minimal:

• $450 - rent, cable, and utilities
• $75 - cell phone (this includes GPS, Blackberry, Visual Voice Mail, Ringback Tones, and all 3 lines. Yes, I’m going down to 500 txt/month, but I am not USING more than that on out of network texts, anyway. I’m removing texting on the Blackberry since I so rarely even use that. Also, while Rhapsody is fun, it’s $15/month and isn’t doing what I really need.)
• $300 - Car payment
• $90 - Insurance

So that really isn’t too bad, particularly when gas has dropped in cost and my grocery expenses tend to be minimal. Quitting smoking is definitely going to help, too, of course.

Yesterday really threw me for a loop. I’m not going to hold “great expectations.” I’m just going to see where it goes. Truth is, I’ve ALWAYS wanted Chris to be in my life, and to find out that she is so excited to talk to me makes me feel good. I mean, shit, I’m the YOUNGEST. I’m the one who was always striving to exceed and excel. To have her dig me just on my personality–that’s huge. If she and I build a relationship, awesome. If we don’t, that’s ok, too–the simple fact of her contacting me is something that I had never thought would happen, and is occasion for, yes, tears of joy. She kept saying, “Don’t hate me” when she’d have to switch lines. I told her, “Look, I CAN’T hate you, you got to deal with yo’ shit.” Yet, deep down, I understand that insecurity. It took balls for her to contact me, just as it took balls for me to contact her back. We’re both stronger for it, even if we literally never speak again (which I don’t think is going to be the case, honestly). It changes everything, and it changes nothing. The simple fact of us having talked–that’s the huge part. Anything else is gravy.

That said, now I really have to crack down today. I had slept in, and was all pumped up for working when this happened. Of course, the best laid plans of mice and men often gang awry, and that’s what happened. So….here’s today’s plan:

11-1: Go thrifting–I need an outfit for tonight and I need some warm sweaters, what with the weather being as it is. Definitely Gracie’s and the ARC, and maybe a quick run-through of a couple of Goodwills.

1-7: Basic household stuff, such as taking out the trash, maybe some laundry, yada yada. Schoolwork–I’ve been given permission to email my final in Health, since the computer kept eating my final. At this point, I’ve done it enough times that the answers shouldn’t take long. I also need to start my Collab Debates for Psych and to do at least one Journal Entry.  Put together an outfit for the show at Martini Ranch, and make some calls about my car. So far, it appears that the woman I hit hasn’t filed a claim, and Jim gave me a lead on a hood, so maybe I can get that taken care of locally. Also, work on my papers for Psych.

7-9: Get ready for the gig. I don’t have to “doll up” too much, since it’s not as if I still have a crush on Colby (that bird flew a long time ago), but it will be fun to get out and do something. Also, call the Rhythm Room to see if they sell tickets onsite so that I can escape the Ticketbastard charges for Wanda Jackson.

9-?: Go to Martini Ranch to see Metal Head. Should be fun.

Productive and busy. THAT is how I like my days to be!

It’s one of those moments.

It’s the accident. It’s hearing from my sister for the first time in my life. It’s reconnecting with my brother, who I haven’t seen in 20 years. It’s the holidays. It’s him. It’s me. It’s friends. It’s work. It’s school. It’s finances. It’s Sludge. It’s my weight. It’s the weather. It’s overwhelming.

Honestly?  The little voice in my head is screeching at me right now, yelling, “Too much, too much!” but I won’t let it get me down. It’s not that things are even bad, it’s just that right now there are so MANY things. But I suppose that was the point of therapy: learning how to deal with the times when there IS too much, and making sure that I’m controlling the things I can while not letting those I can’t get to me.

Example: I can’t control the weather. It’s cold as balls right now, and since I tend to be cold all the time anyway, it’s miserable for me. However, I have the empowerment to go ahead and sip warm drinks, wrap up in warm blankets, and make myself be as comfortable as possible.

Example: My sister contacting me. I’m genuinely thrilled that she did! I think she and I have a lot in common, and it should be interesting getting to know one another. However, there’s such a huge risk factor, emotionally. Talking about our (un)shared past brings up issues that I dealt with over the summer, obviously. And, yet, I suppose it’s far better that she and I are talking NOW instead of before I dealt with these things. I can’t be unemotional when it comes to her; this, I already know. Of course, if it turns out that we aren’t comfortable communicating, I have to let that go, too. Again, I can’t control my emotions, but I can control how they impact my life.

So, see, there’s obviously “a touch too much”, but I am handling it all in bits and pieces, not allowing myself to get paralyzed by all of it, or even worse, to let it push me to where I was before. I went through a lot this year, and I am glad of where I have come out. I just have to stay vigilant, until being healthy IS second nature. It’s not an easy path, but it is a good one, a right one.