Thinking about my pending bankruptcy, I suppose it is time for a budget. I don’t make a lot of money, but my expenses really are minimal:

• $450 - rent, cable, and utilities
• $75 - cell phone (this includes GPS, Blackberry, Visual Voice Mail, Ringback Tones, and all 3 lines. Yes, I’m going down to 500 txt/month, but I am not USING more than that on out of network texts, anyway. I’m removing texting on the Blackberry since I so rarely even use that. Also, while Rhapsody is fun, it’s $15/month and isn’t doing what I really need.)
• $300 - Car payment
• $90 - Insurance

So that really isn’t too bad, particularly when gas has dropped in cost and my grocery expenses tend to be minimal. Quitting smoking is definitely going to help, too, of course.

Yesterday really threw me for a loop. I’m not going to hold “great expectations.” I’m just going to see where it goes. Truth is, I’ve ALWAYS wanted Chris to be in my life, and to find out that she is so excited to talk to me makes me feel good. I mean, shit, I’m the YOUNGEST. I’m the one who was always striving to exceed and excel. To have her dig me just on my personality–that’s huge. If she and I build a relationship, awesome. If we don’t, that’s ok, too–the simple fact of her contacting me is something that I had never thought would happen, and is occasion for, yes, tears of joy. She kept saying, “Don’t hate me” when she’d have to switch lines. I told her, “Look, I CAN’T hate you, you got to deal with yo’ shit.” Yet, deep down, I understand that insecurity. It took balls for her to contact me, just as it took balls for me to contact her back. We’re both stronger for it, even if we literally never speak again (which I don’t think is going to be the case, honestly). It changes everything, and it changes nothing. The simple fact of us having talked–that’s the huge part. Anything else is gravy.

That said, now I really have to crack down today. I had slept in, and was all pumped up for working when this happened. Of course, the best laid plans of mice and men often gang awry, and that’s what happened. So….here’s today’s plan:

11-1: Go thrifting–I need an outfit for tonight and I need some warm sweaters, what with the weather being as it is. Definitely Gracie’s and the ARC, and maybe a quick run-through of a couple of Goodwills.

1-7: Basic household stuff, such as taking out the trash, maybe some laundry, yada yada. Schoolwork–I’ve been given permission to email my final in Health, since the computer kept eating my final. At this point, I’ve done it enough times that the answers shouldn’t take long. I also need to start my Collab Debates for Psych and to do at least one Journal Entry.  Put together an outfit for the show at Martini Ranch, and make some calls about my car. So far, it appears that the woman I hit hasn’t filed a claim, and Jim gave me a lead on a hood, so maybe I can get that taken care of locally. Also, work on my papers for Psych.

7-9: Get ready for the gig. I don’t have to “doll up” too much, since it’s not as if I still have a crush on Colby (that bird flew a long time ago), but it will be fun to get out and do something. Also, call the Rhythm Room to see if they sell tickets onsite so that I can escape the Ticketbastard charges for Wanda Jackson.

9-?: Go to Martini Ranch to see Metal Head. Should be fun.

Productive and busy. THAT is how I like my days to be!

It’s one of those moments.

It’s the accident. It’s hearing from my sister for the first time in my life. It’s reconnecting with my brother, who I haven’t seen in 20 years. It’s the holidays. It’s him. It’s me. It’s friends. It’s work. It’s school. It’s finances. It’s Sludge. It’s my weight. It’s the weather. It’s overwhelming.

Honestly?  The little voice in my head is screeching at me right now, yelling, “Too much, too much!” but I won’t let it get me down. It’s not that things are even bad, it’s just that right now there are so MANY things. But I suppose that was the point of therapy: learning how to deal with the times when there IS too much, and making sure that I’m controlling the things I can while not letting those I can’t get to me.

Example: I can’t control the weather. It’s cold as balls right now, and since I tend to be cold all the time anyway, it’s miserable for me. However, I have the empowerment to go ahead and sip warm drinks, wrap up in warm blankets, and make myself be as comfortable as possible.

Example: My sister contacting me. I’m genuinely thrilled that she did! I think she and I have a lot in common, and it should be interesting getting to know one another. However, there’s such a huge risk factor, emotionally. Talking about our (un)shared past brings up issues that I dealt with over the summer, obviously. And, yet, I suppose it’s far better that she and I are talking NOW instead of before I dealt with these things. I can’t be unemotional when it comes to her; this, I already know. Of course, if it turns out that we aren’t comfortable communicating, I have to let that go, too. Again, I can’t control my emotions, but I can control how they impact my life.

So, see, there’s obviously “a touch too much”, but I am handling it all in bits and pieces, not allowing myself to get paralyzed by all of it, or even worse, to let it push me to where I was before. I went through a lot this year, and I am glad of where I have come out. I just have to stay vigilant, until being healthy IS second nature. It’s not an easy path, but it is a good one, a right one.

Uh…wow.

That is the ONLY thing that I can say right now. Y’see, my father had five children, one of whom was the daughter right before me, and she was always the enigma, since her mother cut ALL ties with the family upon divorcing Dad. So I’d never seen a picture of her, never knew anything.

She contacted me today via Myspace, not even sure if I was her sister. Suffice it to say, it’s totally confirmed–she is who she says she is.

I’m shaking. Not in a bad way, but just shaking.

It’s been one Hell of a week.

I’m still behind on my schoolwork, but I’m not going to stress about that right now. Tonight I HAVE to finish my final (I’d be doing that right now, but I’m about to leave to go check on Gilby and take him for a walk). Otherwise, meh. I was going to take Food and Nutrition next term, but the book is so expensive that I think I need to put that off for a minute or two. Especially since I have to find out about getting my car fixed, now that I’ve had my first auto accident.

Work has proceeded in its normal pace; no major stresses there, at least. And I did get to have a fun night out last night with Tod. However, emotionally, I’m just feeling kind of drained and looking forward to my upcoming days off.

I only got the midterm completed. I over-carbed and spent the day feeling sickly, so I wasn’t able to do more, sadly. However, I’m feeling much better now, so here is the schedule for tomorrow:

8-9 HES 100 Final
9-915 Break
915-1045 Collab Debate 1
1045-1100 Break
1100-1200 Journal Entry 3
1200-1 Journal Entry 4
1-115 Break
115-2 Collab Debate 2
2-3 Journal Entry 5
3-4 Journal Entry 6

And then, when all is done, it’s off to Rio to sell my textbooks back. Yay me, a term shall be complete!
Well, sort of. I mean, I do have to go back and COMPLETE the Debates, but I can’t do that until the rebuttals are up. Plus, I DO have to write my “final” essay, but it’s a reflection on the journal entries, so won’t require the textbook anyway! Neither shall the Self Improvement essay, so that will buy me “just enough” time Now it’s off to bed with me for about 6 hours. No foolin’ around today, MUST get done. No excuses!

I dont know why
I just know I do
I just cant explain
In this language that I use
Something leaves me speechless
Each time that you approach
Each time you glide right through me
As if I was a ghost

If I only could tell you
If you only would listen
Ive got a line or two to use on you
Ive got a romance we could christen

And theres a word in spanish I dont understand
But I heard it in a film one time spoken by the leading man
He said it with devotion, he sounded so sincere
And the words he spoke in spanish brought the female lead to tears
A word in spanish, a word in spanish

If you cant comprehend
Read it in my eyes
If you dont understand its love
In a thin disguise
And what it takes to move you
Each time that you resist
Is more than just a pretty face
To prove that I exist

When manners make no difference
And my gifts all lay undone
I trade my accent in on chance
And fall back on a foreign tongue

And now I know
Spanish Harlem are not just pretty words to say
I thought I knew
But now I know that rose trees never grow in New York City

Until you’ve seen this trash can dream come true
You stand at the edge while people run you through
And I thank the Lord there’s people out there like you
I thank the Lord there’s people out there like you

While Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
Turn around and say good morning to the night
For unless they see the sky
But they can’t and that is why
They know not if it’s dark outside or light

This Broadway’s got
It’s got a lot of songs to sing
If I knew the tunes I might join in
I’ll go my way alone
Grow my own, my own seeds shall be sown in New York City

Subway’s no way for a good man to go down
Rich man can ride and the hobo he can drown
And I thank the Lord for the people I have found
I thank the Lord for the people I have found

I can see very well
There’s a boat on the reef with a broken back
And I can see it very well
There’s a joke and I know it very well
It’s one of those that I told you long ago
Take my word I’m a madman don’t you know

Once a fool had a good part in the play
If it’s so would I still be here today
It’s quite peculiar in a funny sort of way
They think it’s very funny everything I say
Get a load of him, he’s so insane
You better get your coat dear
It looks like rain

We’ll come again next Thursday afternoon
The In-laws hope they’ll see you very soon
But is it in your conscience that you’re after
Another glimpse of the madman across the water

I can see very well
There’s a boat on the reef with a broken back
And I can see it very well
There’s a joke and I know it very well
It’s one of those that I told you long ago
Take my word I’m a madman don’t you know

The ground’s a long way down but I need more
Is the nightmare black
or are the windows painted
Will they come again next week
Can my mind really take it

Ok, now we are down to the final crunch time: I have to complete two exams, and a BUTT-TON of papers between today and tomorrow. So here’s the plan:

Today:
12-1: Go to store for snacks and soda
1-2: Finish HES 100 midterm and final
2-230: Break to play about online a little bit.
230-430: PSY 101 Journal Entry 3/Journal Entry 4 (reading and then about 5-8 paragraphs on the material each)
430-500: Break
500-630: PSY 101 Collab Debate 1 & 2 started (3 paragraphs each, but I have to wait for responses before I can proceed on these)
630-700: Break
700-900: PSY 101 Journal Entry 5/Journal Entry 6 (reading and then about 5-8 paragraphs on the material each)
900-930: Break
930-1030: Collab Debate rebuttals if possible, if not, Self-Improvement Essay
1030: DONE.

Tomorrow:
No timeframes here These items are technically not due until Saturday, but…..I need to get them out of the way. Thankfully, they’re kinda the easy stuff, provided that my rebuttals have already been posted!

Self-Improvement Essay, if not already completed
Continue work on Collab Debates
Go up to Rio to sell books back
PSY 101 Final Exam